WE DO......
A queer parent this week requested for advice. It was serious business on this otherwise dead as a door knob message board. A lesbian mom said "
it finally happened my daughter wants a daddy."
I read it and dismissed it,because i have read this too many times on the single moms boards, in lesbian parenting circles,etc. and i knew what the assvice would be. After a few hours of thinking about it i decided i would email this woman privately and tell her that if she promised to not chop my head off i would share with her my opinion on this common request from daddy-less kids. She replied and told me to hit her with my best shot and she and her partner would consider it.
Here is what i said:
Okay,first of all i knew that you would get a barrage of responses to the effect "
When she says this,you say this. " "When she says that,then you say this. "
Why is queer parenting and single mom by choice parenting approached as if your playing a tennis match at Wimbledon. The parent stands behind the base line on their toes with both hands on the racket waiting for the 98 mile per hour serve in the form of the "i want a daddy" response from their kid. Then all the "
experts" yell from the stands telling you to close the face of your racket so the ball stays in court. And don't approach the net too soon are the kid will drive one over your head for game, set, match.lol
It's deflect,deflect,acknowledge with empathy. Deflect,deflect,acknowledge with empathy.
And in between these games while your working toward the score of 40 /love you sweat it out,holding your breath all the way hoping they don't ask another hard question. Just doesn't seem right to me. Almost dismissive and insensitive to how they are feeling.
The standard
every family is different thing is weak. She can see every family is different and you've made sure she lives in an environment to which these different families are common place. However, that didn't stop the request did it?
Then the "
If you had a Daddy, what do you think he would (1) say? or (2)do or ......" Then said partner would do those things to show those are not exclusive to males/daddies. "
Because most of the time all that your kid wants is attention,". I don't know that every little thing can be deduced to just wanting attention. That would imply that every kids is the same and we all know that's not true.
And to the poster who pulled out the stats,studies,and statistics about how father-less kids turn out just fine. Does she think your 4.5 yr old daughter gives a flip about studies? IMO when you have kids it stops being all about us and what *we* are comfortable with, it's about the kids and how our decision affects them.
Now before i give my suggestion you need to know i grew up in a traditional family. I was my fathers shadow from the time i was born until they divorced in 4th grade .He was very hands on and i was going to be the first female wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys if he had anything to say about it and a fabulous Louisiana chef. I was very much the daddy's girl and to the same extent grandfather's girl also[he lived across the street]. When he was outside doing yardwork i was there getting under foot. Each time he would mow the larn he would pretend he was going to get me with it. I would run screaming onto the porch and we both would laugh hysterically everytime. He never got tired of that game and he should have.lol
On saturdays we spent the majority of the day in the garage working on his navy blue corvette stingray with T-Tops and white leather interior. I had my first sip of beer in that garage. They called them ponies,because they were in little bottles i guess.He looked at me smiled and said" if your mama catches you doing that she'll kill me and you". Then he would chuckle and go back to working on the engine. Afterwards we would drive through the neighborhood to test our work. My job was to steer,signal left or right turn and tell him what color the traffic light was and he worked the gas pedal and brakes with the stick shift. After the corvette it was a chocolate brown Cadillac Fleetwood with the diamond shaped window in the back.
When we weren't in the garage we were in the kitchen. My dad had his own unique way of cooking. He was big on substituing ingredients for whatever was handy. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it made you gag.lol But as far as grillin was concerned he was and is the master.
One sunday we played hooky from church because my mother was out of town. He and i wired the whole house with speakers from his stereo system and still had time to go catfishing down at the lake. My girlier sister who was two years younger always complained that she was bored and wanted to go home. Such a party pooper my father would say.
I don't know what it was that clicked more with my father and grandfather than my mother/grandmother,aunts,etc., but i do remember that from a very early age they were most important to me in a way no other people were. I'm sure some child psychologist somewhere has a well studied reason for that. oof.
So in lacking a father i do believe our kids are missing something. To say it's like them asking for a puppy or something is condescending and devaluing men period imo. Or it's a phase and we should ignore it for a year eventually it will pass ,is just as unhealthy. We
chose to not give them one by using AD. He didn't die or abandon them. And because of that we owe them more of a concern about this request than what's being given.
How do we know your daughter at 4.5 doesn't have feelings that go beyond the surface fluff of her age group? Why should she have to give up a dad because of someone else's decision? Why should she have to give up a dad because her moms are lesbians?I say she doesn't. I suggest you and your partner consider the idea of getting her a dad despite what some say. There is no reason a decision made so many years ago can't be changed. So what if he's not her bio dad. Plenty of families are made by bond.
And no i'm not suggesting you go out to the 7-eleven and buy her one lol,but if your a spiritual person pray about and put yourself in situations that give you access to men interested in becoming daddies. I'm in no way suggesting you make it legally binding ,but more of a social fatherhood. It might give your daughter what she wants and give you the peace of mind that you've got a guy in her life that will teach her things about herself she could have only gotten from her dad.
I am so sick of hearing people say kids don't
need a daddy. Well maybe they don't, but i want mine to have one. When someone tells me that MY kids don't need a dad i feel as if they are saying my kids don't deserve or shouldn't have the priviledge of having a dad ,because they have a lesbian mom. So i get my back up in feeling like i need to fight for my kids right to have a daddy.
And i wonder what the gay fathers out there tell their kids about wanting a mommie and do they feel slighted when they hear lesbians go on and on about not
needing them/daddies/men?
At the time of conception there may be no known donor in my process,but i hope to always remain open to the idea. And to those of you who have a peace about the known donor you chose to use who will be a presence in your kids lives, i pray your kids have wonderful memories of him to share when they decide to become parents.
I don't believe the next generation can afford to do without mommies or daddies!
